if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize