those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
you made out with another girl for some wings
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
