I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
