she takes plan B like it's going out of style
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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