I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
