Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize