I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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