it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
