She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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