Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
