We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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