Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
