I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
