You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
