My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
