Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
