When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
