I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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