I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
