eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
