Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
