just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
