Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
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