Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
this is an emotional support booty call
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
