just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm too high and old for this...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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