guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I need a burrito and a hug.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
