Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize