you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
