I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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