i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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