I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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