Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
