What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
