i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
