just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
