I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
