just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
