i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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