How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
