first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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