Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize