Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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