Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
