i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
