Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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