im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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