i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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