Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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