i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
