Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
