im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
