I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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