Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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