I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You can't motorboat a personality
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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