i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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