you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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