she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
