Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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