so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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